"You're SO Frum"
I hate when people say "You're so Frum". Not just because it's condescending, but because of the message it sends.
The other Shabbat our hosts took us to an informal shiur Just some local laypeople learning together. It was nice. There was a lot of shmuzing, but mostly learning. It was a welcome change from our usual jaunt to the park. We were invited to continue coming.
However, the attitude of one participant has me very much wondering if I will.
This person was very much the Alpha of the pack. He decided what was talked about when. which is fine. However, I'm an alpha type myself, and I tend to tune out other alphas. I'm secure enough in my self to not need to challenge another dominant personality.
He began peppering me with questions. where did I learn? What shul did I daven at? When I told him, he began deriding the shul we attend as "bad". When I explained that it was the kind of shul I grew up with his response was "Yeah, but try to talk there!". I responded that this was a plus to me, not a minus.
His response?
"You're so FRUM."
That, of course, really means "You're too frum for me on this issue so I will deride you for it rather than accept that you and I are different people!"
You know what? I'm not so Frum. I wish I were Frummer. I try. And it's frustrating to hear my goal maligned, even in jest. Imagine how it sounds to a convert or a Ba'al Tshuvah, hearing Frumkite as something derisive.
So the next time you have an urge to say "Oh you're so Frum", why don't you just say what you mean "You're too frum for ME?" That's what you mean, isn't it?
Or just don't say anything.
Or hey, here's an idea:
"Good for you."
I hate when people say "You're so Frum". Not just because it's condescending, but because of the message it sends.
The other Shabbat our hosts took us to an informal shiur Just some local laypeople learning together. It was nice. There was a lot of shmuzing, but mostly learning. It was a welcome change from our usual jaunt to the park. We were invited to continue coming.
However, the attitude of one participant has me very much wondering if I will.
This person was very much the Alpha of the pack. He decided what was talked about when. which is fine. However, I'm an alpha type myself, and I tend to tune out other alphas. I'm secure enough in my self to not need to challenge another dominant personality.
He began peppering me with questions. where did I learn? What shul did I daven at? When I told him, he began deriding the shul we attend as "bad". When I explained that it was the kind of shul I grew up with his response was "Yeah, but try to talk there!". I responded that this was a plus to me, not a minus.
His response?
"You're so FRUM."
That, of course, really means "You're too frum for me on this issue so I will deride you for it rather than accept that you and I are different people!"
You know what? I'm not so Frum. I wish I were Frummer. I try. And it's frustrating to hear my goal maligned, even in jest. Imagine how it sounds to a convert or a Ba'al Tshuvah, hearing Frumkite as something derisive.
So the next time you have an urge to say "Oh you're so Frum", why don't you just say what you mean "You're too frum for ME?" That's what you mean, isn't it?
Or just don't say anything.
Or hey, here's an idea:
"Good for you."
posted by - Typo Lad | 1:30 PM
3 Comments:
Great post. Being "too frum" is subjective. Since when was it a mitzvah to talk the entire time in shul?
Yeah Neil, you are only supposed to talk during the Rabbi's speech:)
But seriously, Mr. Blogger, you are very idealistic. Congrats on keeping that idealism. I wasn't able to sustain mine past 11th grade.
'"Yeah, but try to talk there!". I responded that this was a plus to me, not a minus.'
I know which shul you are talking about ;-). We need more shuls where talking is not acceptible.
True story about a shul in my neighborhood: The rabbi doesn't have a "rabbi chair" but sits in the middle of the men's section. At one point he was distracted by some talking during the chazzan's repetition of the shemoneh esrei. (The level of noise was actually a lot lower than at most shuls I have visited.) The rabbi stands up abruptly. He raises his hand and points to the gabbi, who is standing in front of the chazzan (who is on the elevated bimah). The gabbi instantly raises HIS hand, and the chazzan stops at the end of the next sentence. The talking quiets down.
Post a Comment
<< Home